The thoughts and tales [entries|friends|calendar] Emo Fairie [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[02 May 2007|06:54pm] [ mood | pissed off ] friends are awesome seriously, awesomeness ok, so im a bitch... right... big deal you know I would be nice to you when you make decisions, not leave me hanging when were you even planning to tell me?? I mean, really... And then people wonder why I'm a bitch etc... Well, the world can fuck off, I'm fed up trying to make other people happy now. Its my life, I will live it my way... People just have to learn to accept it I was tired this morning, which is why I was pissy... Not getting definites from either of you = no help whatsoever So yea I apologise although I have nothing to apologise for Be mature and block me, please do... Its awesome, it really is... Yea, I'm pissed off and fed up with both of you tbh So thats it really Cos friends are false, people are false, the world is false God is false, and so is hope.

[19 Apr 2007|05:58pm] Tons of stuff I want to write, thats better suited in here than in my other journal Today I'm actually gonna stick to at least part of my oh-so-healthy diet plan So I'm not eating dinner or eating anything till tomorrow Not that it makes up for all the crap that I ate earlier... =/ But that isn't working, because I want to drink.  Just drink till I don't care about anything or anyone any more... Cos then I might be ok tonight and not do something I might regret But the amount of calories, bad calories in that make me not want to all at the same time... If I can find a lighter I gues I could use that but it isn't the same But I don't want to upset people and I already think that I'll have a hard-ish time hiding scars for work in the summer... That is, if I even get a bloody job which I doubt because I am a fat, unemployable, lazy person... Thinking too much about other people and putting them first  always sucks now, because I feel like I can't be myself and do what I want to do and say what I want to say... Even in here because people that can read it might get upset and I dont wan to hurt peoples feelings and bleh... I'm sorry... I might update this again later... I might just update the other one, who knows... who cares Guess this is another week when I wish every morning that I didn't wake up. Wish every moment that I would just stop breathing. Hope every moment that no one notices. When you ask if I'm ok and say  you are worried I sometimes have to lie so you wont worry and wont guess...

[20 Feb 2007|12:55pm] [ mood | depressed ] woot I still want to fucking die I planned it a week ago then disassociated So why not do it today? I have more pills, ok so its a half dose per tablet, but I could take all the ones Im supposed to take until next friday when I see her again... Take tons of asprin and some paracetamol, see what else I can find. I have cider, I have vodka, I have a new blade and I have a lock on my bed room door These tears are weak. These tears must stop. And hey, maybe if I OD I wont be able to eat for a while, and then maybe I can be thin and pretty again... I'm ok now with hiding my arms, I dont care if I do or I dont do it anymore. Because I want to die. I am a slut, everyone thinks so. I am a bitch, everyone knows so. I argue for no reason. I have no friends. I am mean to everyone. I break Anthony's heart. He really likes me and that terrifies me. I am scared  of life. I no longer fear death. Maybe in  death we do need to re-live life.. Surely I should get out before I have to relive anything else... Because  I dont want more hell to have to relive once Im dead. I give up. Im going to try and leave again... Because I hate myself, and I hate everyone.....

[15 Jan 2007|11:23am] [ mood | crappy ] Last night did not end well.... I went down to see Andy eventually, but told him I probably wouldnt stay... He said I stank of vodka, I told him that if it stopped me from doing other things then it couldnt be completly(sp?) bad thing... I told him that I had spent all weekend wanting to kill myself, feeling crap He was silent and said nothing, then changed the subject Then I told him that I was paranoid that he would hate me because of the amount of damage that I had done to myself, and again he didn't say anything except ask what I meant and how long i had been paranoid about it all.... So then more silence.... Then I left, saying sorry, and came back up to my room. My mind went into overdrive and I was in tears... I called Paul in tears (sorry) Then, I counted out pills, got a glass of water I took 8 paracetamol and felt my stomach churning slightly. Took 1 sleeping pill, and almost instantly threw up at the taste of it But then, I'm almost certain that the pills all stayed inside of me... I dont think I got much sleep in the end, if I did it wasnt for long... Today my stomach hurts, my head hurts, and my ears were/are ringing a bit earlier... And my arm really hurts, my wrist looks kinda deep and I'm certain that andy will hate me and I feel like complete crap and I hate myself and I hate everything and I dont want to be alive anymore...

[14 Jan 2007|06:30pm] [ mood | depressed ] I am invisible The world hates me.... I wish I was dead We shall see what happens in the end.... The only person to come this weekend and ask how I am is Paddy. He gave me a hug aswell, but only because I was so close to tears (for the hundreth time this weekend) My wrist  hurts already, but I want to make it work more.. I want to go out and buy paracetamol, but more than anything else...I dont want to fail this time See, now Im trying to work out if I could strangle myself or something I dont even have a reason to feel like this, I am just weak and want to die because I suck at living just a little bit too much... Im sorry, I just want to suceed... If I fail I dont know, I guess I just have to keep smiling and keep secretly trying or something... Edit at 1942 - OK, I have the pills now, but only 16, which is double what should be taken in 24 hours... but then, I also have a load of vodka and stuff... so maybe... Might speak to Andy first though, but then, if I do it before he gets back, he would worry less... Im lost *sobs*

[13 Jan 2007|06:15pm] I feel invisible I live in a building with a lot of other people, as many as maybe 50. There are another 8 people on my floor but I dont really get on with any of them, at least, not the ones on my floor. The ones I do get on with, well... I managed to stay in my room all day on friday, not seeing anyone, same on thurday evening. on friday i saw andy (my boyfriend) for a whole 2 minutes before he left to go climbing for a weekend... since then, i havent seen anyone at all. I just went over to get some takeaway food from the canteen for my dinner. I thought that no one else had gone for dinner tonight (usually someone comes round and knocks on all the doors to see who wants to go for food) because i hadnt hear anyone or seen them leave. but, as i got over to the canteen, i saw everyone (and i mean almost everyone, its no exageration) getting up and putting their trays away. so again, i was fighting back tears I have spent all weekend harming, it is almost my birthday (3 weeks yesterday) and I really dont want to live for it. I am making plans to have friends celebrate with me, but at the same time hoping that I die before then. I just want everything to stop. Im almost 18, a failure, probably going to drop out/be kicked out of university before the end of my first year. All I do is hurt others, make them sad, worry them... I really want everything to end. I keep attempting it through cutting, I have been for a few days now, but I keep making it stop, so everything is just really surface wounds... I want to overdose again, but having no pills is a problem. I am thinking about stockpiling till I get more I just... really dont want to be here anymore.... Im invisible so its not like the world would even notice for a few days... Andy gets back tomorrow, he always says that I should talk to him when I feel like I do now, but how do I start that conversation... At least this way maybe people, mainly Ex-friends and Ex-boyfriends (one in particular who made my life hell and almost caused this several months ago by making suicide threats), maybe they will be happy, get what they have wished for at least 2 of the 8 people on this floor hate me... I know that they do, I just dont know why. I asked one of them and she wouldnt tell me, so I cant better myself I really just want to disappear... not that I havent already. sorry, I just feel so crap today and every day just now

[09 Dec 2006|04:25pm] Last night all just went so wrong... I was in the union, but I was really freaking out by the amount of people that were there... I went outside but there were just as many people there, and someone started talking to me and I didnt want anyone to know that I existed anymore... I went back in and got the keys from Andy, and got mine from his room so I could get back into my room. I sat in there crying, shouting at myself. I grabbed my blade and cut my leg 5 times, where I knew that my boots would hide it. I was planning to leave the cuts open and just zip my boots back up, but there was a lot of blood again, so I couldnt do that. I had always promised myself that I wouldnt cut myself while I was drunk, but I was going crazy and didnt really care anymore... I cried a lot more, screamed at myself a lot more. It was like I wasnt me anymore, like I wasnt in control... I was telling someone else what to do. It doesnt make sense to me anymore, I dont know what was going on, I dont think I want to. I Went back to the union, everyone was asking if I was ok. I went to sit down and Andy came over. He told me again that he thinks he loves me, I shook my head and started to cry again, so he said we should come back to halls. I tried to get him to stay at the union but he wouldnt, he said he wanted to be with me. I got into his room and got my phone and stuff (I think) but wouldnt stay in there. I kept trying to get him to go back to the union, to enjoy himself,that I would be ok, but he wouldnt go, he started crying because I wouldnt tell him, because I wouldnt trust him. Eventually I got him to sit in his room on his bed. He lay down and I sat there, shaking and crying and shouting at him a lot. I told him some stuff, he wouldnt understand. He kept crying, saying that I shouldnt want to die, that I deserve to live... I wouldnt believe Andy so he kept crying, I wasnt telling him everything and he was getting really upset by it I dont know if I got any sleep downstairs last night, I know that at 7.30 I was awake and I couldnt sleep anymore. At 9.30 I gave up trying and came back upstairs. I finally slept for a bit, but I keep dreaming now. I had a dream that my dad was here hurting me. Its not normal and I hate myself. I'm sure Andy will hate me when he remembers everything aswell. Right now I really need to cry some more and hurt a whole lot more, but how can I knowing that it hurts him??? I care about him more than I thought I would, why does it always happen... I care about him and so I dont want to hurt him anymore. I Care about him but I am sure that he hates me so much just now. How can any of this be ok???

[29 Nov 2006|11:38am] [ mood | gloomy ] First Entry Might as well start of as I mean to continue. I am suicidally depressed, having attempted to kill myself often. Most people would think that by a certain point I would have stopped and given up, but the truth is, I never stop, not anymore. Because how can I when all I want is to escape from this world, from this life, to break whatever bond keeps me here. How can I want to remain here when all that I am is a failure, when all that people see of me is lies? Yesterday, I cut my wrist again. I was upset, I have wanted to do it for a few days now. I also took 15 anti-inflamatary meds and 18 paracetamol. When my wrist stopped bleeding I cut my arm 13 times. All of this because of one stupid message, from someone that I care about. All of this because of that, it just all seems so stupid when I think about it like that. How can it make sense, why wont it make sense... I just want the world to stop, to go away and leave me alone. I just want everything to stop, just for a day. I wish that everyone would forget about me for long enough that I could just stop existing after a while, but I know that it cant be that easy and that it wont be that easy. It just doesnt seem fair to me though, I dont know what else I can do, how can I change? Become 'better' if I dont even have the energy to try any more... I'm tired of people saying that they are worried, that they care... How can they when I am so cold and empty, so lost and numb, so ... nothing these days. All I want is for it all, them all, to just disappear...

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ]